Downgrading Motherhood

I came across this blog post on facebook today by Matt Walsh, and I just had to share it here.  The post, entitled, "You're a stay-at-home mom?  What do you DO all day?" addresses a topic I am all too familiar with, and one that is all too prevalent in our culture:  the idea that stay-at-home moms have it easy.  The amazing thing is, it was written by a man!

Interestingly, I grew up with a stay-at-home mother who was fully supported by my father; that is, until I reached 5th grade, and my father reluctantly agreed that my mother going to work might help support our family of nine.  This had a profound effect on me, because I experienced first-hand what happens when a mother goes off to work (I'm the one who ended up having to do the laundry for said family of nine, because my mother no longer had the time to do it).

It wasn't the laundry aspect that solidified for me the importance of a mother at home, though; it was the effect it had on my two youngest brothers (who were about 2 and 4 years old at the time).  They were the first of us seven children to have to be cared for outside of our home, and seeing how they were affected by my mother going to work made me vow to never be a working mom.  Even though they went to my aunt's house every day while my mother was at work - a fairly close family member who had children their age to play with - the affect of not having my mother at home was instant.  They became clingy and whiny when my mother was with them, and they threw fits if she tried to sneak away to the grocery store by herself.  They were notably less independent and secure, and they were suddenly subject to a lot of chaos that my other siblings and I had never had to experience.

I shouldn’t need to explain why it’s insane for anyone — particularly other women — to have such contempt and hostility for “stay at home” mothers. Are we really so shallow? Are we really so confused? Are we really the first culture in the history of mankind to fail to grasp the glory and seriousness of motherhood? The pagans deified Maternity and turned it into a goddess. We’ve gone the other direction; we treat it like a disease or an obstacle.

As it turned out, the experiment failed:   working cost our family more than my mother was being paid, and not just because of the added costs of a second vehicle (and all of the included costs that came with it), clothing and childcare, but because it wasn't worth the stress it put on our family.  My mother came back home, and didn't return to the workforce until my youngest brother went off to school.  Still, I've always felt that the experience forever changed my two youngest brothers - and not for the better.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to fully keep my vow to be a stay-at-home mother.  When my daughter was born, I continued on with my full-time job (11 hours a day) as a nanny, because I was able to bring my daughter with me and because we didn't see how we could adjust to losing my salary, but that only lasted until she was 8 months old.  When my former business partner offered to trade the nanny agency we started together for my nanny position, it seemed like a better fit - I could work from home and continue to be with my daughter.

It was during this time that I first experienced what the general population really thought about stay-at-home mothers.  Even though I worked from home, people would call me for favors during the day all the time because I was "just home and not really doing anything."  Not really doing anything?!  At one point, I was running a nanny placement agency, being a stay-at-home mother to a toddler, working part-time as a nanny (and bringing said toddler with me) and I was pregnant with my second child, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

Worse, I didn't even feel as if I could cut myself some slack!  My husband, after all, had the "real job," and I, after all, chose to stay home with my children - keeping up with the housework and bills should be my responsibility,right?  Because I was so lucky to get to be at home. Even I, who knew better than anyone, how stressful it really was - so stressful that, at one point, I actually got shingles from the stress - thought that I had to "really work," so as not to feel the condemnation of people around me - even people in my own family - who thought that I had it easy because I got to stay home.  I felt overwhelming pressure to have to prove myself and my worth - and it nearly broke me - all because we live in a society that downgrades motherhood.  Being "just a mom" is not good enough.

The people who completely immerse themselves in the tiring, thankless, profoundly important job of raising children ought to be put on a pedestal. We ought to revere them and admire them like we admire rocket scientists and war heroes. These women are doing something beautiful and complicated and challenging and terrifying and painful and joyous and essential. 

I had to learn the same lesson my parents learned back when I was a kid:  it costs more than you think to be a working mom.  Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but love and admiration for working mothers, and staying home with kids is definitely not always what's best for every mom or child.  I've certainly worked as a nanny for several mothers who've had a nice balance between working and motherhood.  That being said, time is serious money.  They didn't have time to take care of their kids, to work in their garden or to clean their home, so they paid other people for what they didn't have time to do themselves.  The difference was that they could afford to hire someone else to do it for them and still come out ahead, and I couldn't - or, more so, I chose not to.

I still struggle with feeling undervalued, though my children are now 10 and 8, because I chose to homeschool.  Let me tell you, the only thing more thankless than being a stay-at-home mom is being a homeschooling stay-at-home mom.  It took me five years of homeschooling before I realized that it's a full-time job, and I really can't work while I'm doing it.  I know that there are plenty of people who probably think I'm lucky, lazy or privileged, and there's nothing I can do about that, so I just have to let it go.  I traded money - and the respect that comes with it - for time.  It's a hard choice but, at the end of the day, my family and I are the ones who have to live with it.

"We are learning for life, not for a test."

I came across this wonderful article about homeschooling/unschooling by Amy Milstein on UnschoolingNYC that I simply had to share with everyone.  In the article, Miss Milstein compares learning to a river:

We are learning for life, not for a test.  There is no prize for being first; there isn’t even a finish line.   There is only knowledge like an endless river where the water runs fast in some spots and lazes along in others; where objects are picked up and carried for a while and then let go to find their place along the shore; where snags and sandbars can impede progress until the water finds its way around them or rises over them. The life learning journey and destination are all of a part, just as when the river reaches and becomes one with the sea.

It was a wonderful reminder to me, at the beginning of another school year, to relax and go with the flow.  I don't need to sign up for every class or fill our days with as many "teachable" moments as possible.  My son is not going to suffer endlessly if he doesn't master handwriting in the next year, nor is my daughter going to be ruined if she misses a class so she can play awhile longer.   It's okay to set adrift sometimes; to see where the current takes you.  Life and learning are one and the same.

Sacred Economics

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted on here!  Summer is just far too ridiculously busy - especially in Wisconsin, where you have to cram every possible activity into this 3 month period because it's our only shot at decent weather.

Anyway, I'm excited to get back to our "real" school year and excited to share this really cool video with all of you that sums up so much of what I think about the world.  I particularly love the part where he talks about school: 

 "One of the things I talk about is the sense of 'wrongness' that I had as a child.  I think most kids have some sense of it, that it's not supposed to be this way.  For example, that you're not supposed to actually hate Monday, and be happy when you don't have to go to school.  School should be something you love - life should be something you love."

That was a profound realization in homeschooling for me - that learning and life ought to be one and the same, and that if it feels wrong, it probably is wrong.  What's really great is that my kids can't wait for our school to start, either - especially our co-op, which we love - and that tells me that we're on the right track.  I'll be teaching the 8 & 9 year olds this year, so there will be curriculum coming your way soon.  

Bedtime Math

Fred Gauss (it rhymes with house)

Tonight before bed my children asked to do math.  Not only did they ask to do their math, they enjoyed it so much that we did four chapters of our math. In fact, they would have done more, but I told them we had to stop because it was time for bed.  How many of you parents out there can say that has ever happened?

This is the wonder of Life of Fred, people.  Before Fred, my kids (like most normal children) ran and hid when it was time to do math.  Now, they ask for it.

I'll bet you're wondering what makes Fred so great, so I'll tell you:  Life of Fred is a collection of stories and, as I keep saying all over this blog, children learn best from stories.  Each chapter is 4-6 pages, so they're quick stories, followed by 4-7 questions that the kids have to answer in their notebooks.  It's not just math, either.  The author, Stan Schmidt, includes history, language, science and more into each of his stories.  Most importantly, though, Life of Fred is hysterical  (I mean, laugh out loud funny), which means it's fun; and as Teacher Tom says, "If it's not fun, you're not doing it right."

It's shocking how many adults fear fun, or think that if a child is having fun, they can't possibly be learning anything - or, at least, not as much as they would if they were 'working hard' (as if working hard and fun can never exist simultaneously).  Well, I happen to have proof that fun works.

Background:  This school year was my 7 year old son's second and last year in virtual school.  I'd started him in first grade last year, even though I wouldn't have if he had been in public school, because of his summer birthday - he was academically bright, but not ready for school socially.  I pulled my daughter out of virtual school for this year because we were already losing faith in the system, but I'd let my son take it very slowly and we didn't even make our way through half of the curriculum last year, so I figured we'd try to finish it up this year.  He was enrolled as a 2nd grader, even though he hadn't completed his 1st grade material.

At the beginning of the year, the virtual school gives an online, adaptive (meaning the questions keep getting more difficult until the student can no longer answer them, to see the extent of their knowledge) math test to see where they're at.  Then, they take the test again at the end of the year to measure their improvement.  Bear in mind that my son has never actually done any of the 2nd grade material, nor finished the 1st grade material, but he was tested as a 2nd grader.  You can see by the scores at the beginning of the year that he did well, but average, despite that.  We gave up on the virtual math by the holidays, still not having completed the 1st grade curriculum, and started Fred instead.  Now, look at his recent score.  Having never touched the virtual school 2nd grade curriculum, he managed to jump to a 4th grade level in most areas.

That is the power of Fred.  That is the power of fun.

Mother's Day

 On Being A Parent

by Anna Quindlen

[T]he biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this.  I did not live in the moment enough.  This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs.  

 There is one picture of the three of them sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1.  And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing:  dinner, bath, book, bed.  I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life.  When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done.  Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be.

The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense; matter-of-fact, I was sometimes over the top.  And look how it all turned out.  I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity.  That's what the books never told me.

I was bound and determined to learn from the experts.

It just took me awhile to figure out who the experts were. 

 

 

 

Time Well Spent

The other day, I mentioned on facebook about a little fun my daughter's been having with me.  She came up to me - all dressed fancy in a button-down shirt, skirt and heels - and said, "Mama, I am going to be a newsletter editor and make zippo money."

Impromptu laundry line

Now, for those of you who don't know it, I am a newsletter editor, and I don't make very much money doing it.  It wasn't the first time my daughter has made the joke, either; in fact, she does it fairly frequently.  I mentioned on facebook that I found it unnerving, though that was truly in jest - I think it's really funny that she can make a mockery of my lamentations, and I know that she can do it because she knows that I don't do anything for money.  I do everything I do because I want to; because I believe it's the right thing to do.  If I get paid for it, that's just a bonus.  Besides, my good friend and fellow writer, Howard Hinterthuer, made this comment about it:

Work done in a spirit of service to others is akin to worship.  Time is the new currency.  Time is limited and precious.  Money comes and goes.  You are investing in your children, making certain they are launched to the stars.  The most precious gift you can give them is your time.  They may not know it now, but they will know it forever.  

Let me tell you, as I'm sure every mother reading this already knows, these are words every mother needs to hear, so I wanted to pass them on to you.  Take the time to do what you really want to do; what you truly believe in.  Even if it's not all time spent with your children (and it shouldn't be), you are setting the right example.  You may not find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but you'll be happy - and that's worth more than gold any day.

Happiness

  I've helped organize the 6th Annual Sustainability Fair on Saturday, May 18th from 10-1 at the First Congregational Church here in Port through the group I'm a part of:  Transition Ozaukee.  Our theme this year is The Economics of Happiness, which comes from the title of the documentary film we'll be screening at the event.  If you've never seen it, I hope you come out and join us - it's a life changer.

This great John Lennon quote reminded me of the film; though the film discusses the economic side of happiness (globalization vs. relocalization), what it really boils down to is that when our ultimate goal is happiness, we (generally speaking) pursue the right things, whether it is our careers or our education or, on a broader scale, our direction as a community, state, nation or world.  I can personally say that when I've made choices based on what will bring me or my family the most happiness, I always make the right choice, while when I've made choices based on what will bring me the most money, it has always led to disaster.  True story.

There are cool things for kids to do at the Fair, too, by the way.  They can make their own paper seed pots and we'll be sending them home with tree seeds to plant in them (sorry - you have to provide the dirt:).  Plus, my kids and one or two others will be performing a play of The Lorax - my very favorite story ever written by Dr. Suess.  If you can, see the film and then the play - you'll see how the story, in all its simplicity, mirrors the sentiment of the film perfectly.  That Dr. Suess was one smart cookie, people.

Local food, local businesses, locally-made products - I'm even working on some local music! - and a silent auction will round out the event nicely.  There's even a donation or two from Cedarburg Toy Co. in the auction, so look for that.  In fact, the great and wonderful Mrs. Natasha Loos of Cedarburg Toy Co. will be on hand from 10:30-11 to tell the amazing tale of how her toy store came to be - it's a great story.  Fun for the whole family.  Don't miss it!